Nuke 'Em

Written by Jeff Kelly

In the greatest embarrassment since we fielded an Olympic basketball team, The United States Olympic hockey team tied Latvia 3-3 in the opening round of the Torino games on Wednesday.

Latvia.

Latvia is the size of West Virginia.

Latvia has a military budget the size of the New York Yankees infield.

Latvia.

Many will say it is time for the U.S. to wake up and totally reconsider the method we use to build a competitive Olympic roster. Some might say we simply picked the wrong players. A few might blame our incompetence on pronouncing 43-year-old Chris Chelios captain.

I say Nuke 'em.

That’s right, it is time to nuclear attack Latvia. It's a war torn continent anyway, what’s a few tactical nukes going to do? They should be thanking us for not going War of the Worlds on their ass and send Starr Jones over to devour the albino illiterates.

Throw them on the 'Axis of Evil'. And while we're at it, lets put Norway on the Axis of Evil. They are leading the Olympic medal standings, and it's not that I'm a sore loser, but I refuse to lose to a country that has never won a war. I'm sorry.

Latvia.

Fuck it. Someone call Star Jones, it's time to get medieval on these bastards.

Lethal Idiots

Miles From Nowhere

Oh, please take pity on Marcus Vick and Maurice Clarett. All they had were full rides to play college football and get college degrees, an oppurtunity rarely given to young, black men from bad areas. They were superstars for their schools, projected to some day make millions of dollars playing football on Sunday. Both made a mistake early in their careers; Clarett was charged with misdemeanor falsification of a police report, while Vick was suspended that same season for one game for "undisclosed reasons".

Then they made more mistakes. Just a couple, but remember how hard it is to have the world by the balls when your 18,19 or 20.

Actually, they made a shit-ton of mistakes. Clarett's misconduct was less severe at first, in fact it was more pathetic than anything. He challenged the NFL's rule on draft eligibility by attempting to jump to the NFL after only two years of college. This came after he was suspended for the 2003 season for recieving "special benefits" worth thousands of dollars from a friend, and for misleading investigators on the false police report incident. He was kept from going to the NFL, had to sit the 2004 season as well, and was finally last year in the third round. Then he was cut by the Denver Broncos. Then he was arrested for armed robbery. This is where it went from being pathetic to be serious.......
"THIS IS THE REAL WORLD BUDDY....YOU CAN"T JUST WAVE A GUN AT SOMEBODY!"

Marcus Vick's biography reads like Mike Tyson's police report.
May 2004- Charged with 4 misdemeanor's. 3 for providing alcohol to underage girls. One for having sex with a 15 year old girl.
July 2004- Charged with reckless driving, and possession of marijuana. Kicked the Fuck out of Virginia Tech.
Sept. 2004- Pleads no contest to contributing to the deliquency of a minor. Is told to stay the hell away from teenage girls.
Oct. 2005- After being reinstated at Virginia Tech, and allowed to play ball again, gives the finger to the entire student section at West Virginia.
Dec. 2005- Is pulled over for speeding and for driving with a suspended license. Doesn't feeled compelled to inform his coach or the University of this.
Jan. 2005- Stomps on the back of a Louisville's players leg. Is kicked off the team, announces he is going pro, and procedes to celebrate by pulling a gun on three teenage kids at a McDonalds parking lot.

Wow! Simply stunning. Maurice Clarett was once hailed as the future of college football as a freshman. He is now sitting in a jail cell somewhere in Ohio, being called "Maury" by some 300 pound dude named Ernest probably. At least he can claim that he had really fallen on rough times since trying to stick it in the NFL's wrong hole three years ago. What can Vick say? His brother is a star in the NFL, and just gave him an Escalade. He and his mom just moved out of the ghetto of Hampton Roads, Va. I don't think he is that great of a QB, but that's besides the point. Someone was gonna take this guy, and he was gonna make millions. Now he's looking at three years behind bars. One of the problems is that he got away with all that stuff before this happened, probably because he is Mike Vick's baby bro. I mean, if you or me was charged with giving booze to young girls, we'd still be out of college. But Tech decided to let him back in. And then they watched him take a shit on their kindness. For christsakes, I'd like to think that any sane person would sit down and be like "OK, I fucked up once, got kicked out of school completely, and now they've let me back in. I better not only stay the hell out of trouble, but go out and do a good deed every now and then."

Nah B, that ain't Marcus style, holmes.

Both of these guys had a bright future, regardless of how rough their childhood's were. Once your in college, YOUR NOT IN THE GHETTO ANYMORE. YOU DON"T NEED TO BE BILLY THE BADASS TO IMPRESS ANYONE.
Well, look at your lives now. I'm sure you're tired of hearing white people say that, but hey, I'm still in college, no one thinks I'm a hodlum, a pedofile, or a gun waving lunatic. And not one person feels sorry for you thugs.

You're a couple of jokes.

Theory: Vanderchoke didn’t choke at all

Written by Jamie Will

It is hard for most people to look back on this weekend’s NFL playoff game between the Colts and Steelers and see past Mike Vanderjagt, the NFL’s all-time most accurate kicker, missing the goal posts by a few counties. It is easy to say “The kicker choked! He cost Manning and Dungy their chance at the Super Bowl!” However, I have a different type of theory on the kick that I don’t think many people are ready for…

HE DID IT ON PURPOSE

Before everybody calls for my head, hear me out. The Colts’ organization’s dislike for their loudmouth kicker, who once called out Peyton Manning’s leadership in the media, has been well documented and is a known fact by many.

A lesser known point is that Vanderjagt’s contract is up this year and indications have been that he will be let go by the team. In a game in which kickers often save teams’ seasons and clutch, accurate kickers are invaluable, Vanderjagt has often gone uncelebrated and arguably disrespected by the Colts franchise.

Now back to the main point at hand. Seeing as Peyton and his buddies were dubbed the “Chosen Ones” by nearly everyone across the country throughout this season and Vanderjagt was being kicked out the door without any care, I think the atrocity that was Vanderjagt’s last kick of this season may have been intended to start several yards right of the goal posts and continue going away from them.

Yes, if what I am saying is true, and a big part of me hopes it wasn’t really his intention (out of sympathy for Tony Dungy,) it would be one of the biggest NFL scandals in a long time. But is it crazy to think this off the wall kicker didn’t act in spite of those who disrespected him and underappreciated his value to the team? For a kicker as accurate as Vanderjagt is, the fact he was in his cozy dome and that the snap and hold were fine really makes you wonder how the ball could miss that miserably, and the only feasible explanation is that he wanted it to.

His 15 yard penalty-worthy helmet smash afterwards was not in anger; unless he was mad at the fact he missed by so much, making it less believable. I believe it was rather an act of further anti-Colts sentiment on his way out the door.

So, the “choke of the year” by the kicker of the NFL’s favorite “choke artists,” was not a choke at all but rather a perfectly executed plan by a vengeful kicker on his way out the door. Vanderjagt will now likely hit the market and find a new team to be accurate and reliable for, while the Colts will need miracles to shed the choker label.

Those who knock Peyton...Kindly Leave!

Miles From Nowhere

The next person that tells me that Peyton Manning is a choker is going to get an elbow to the throat. I’m not even kidding. Try it some time; just don’t get upset when your larynx is shattered. I idolize Peyton Manning; I even picked what college I wanted to go to because of him. The only athlete I love more than Peyton is Brett Favre, and when they played each other last year it was a dream come true. Manning threw for five TDs and 393 yards, Brett threw for 358 and four touches. I cried with joy.

But that’s neither here nor there.

This past weekend I suffered through an awful Sunday afternoon in which the Colts dream season was ended, and then had to listen to about 300 people tell me Manning can’t win a big game. I hope they all burn in hell. Manning’s career playoff record now sits at 3-6, and he has yet to move his team past the AFC championship game. It’s hard being a Peyton Manning fan. It’s like meeting hot chicks at a bar who want some action, only to have them each leave with another guy because you have an annoying friend with you. That annoying friend is each one of Manning’s team mates who lets him down each year. Yea, Manning wasn’t that sharp at the very beginning of the game, but as the game progressed it was apparent that neither were his linemen or receivers. After the game, a frustrated Manning said that they had some trouble with their protection.

I thought he was being pretty nice about it.

Imagine that you’re creeping up on your thirtieth birthday, you haven’t won a Super Bowl yet, despite being a perennial favorite, and all the media does is roast you for being a choker. I think I would have gone to the reporters and let loose streams of expletives and punched Suzy Kolber after losing another playoff game. No one works harder than Peyton Manning, and very few players mean more to their team than he does. Now he has to deal with the hyenas in the media calling him a “bad leader” and blasting him for “throwing his team mates under the bus”.

Again, kindly burn in hell.

I take it so personally because Manning’s legacy at Tennessee was that of a great stats QB who couldn’t push his team to a National Championship, which happens to be the hardest championship to win in sports. The year after he left, the Vols won the NC with some dude named Tee. I guess it was Manning’s fault that his defense routinely took the day off when they played Florida. I guess it was Manning’s fault that Steve Spurrier owns Philip Fulmer’s life and could out coach him in a game of wallball.

What I love about Manning is the way he carries himself with class, despite obviously being snakebitten. Look at how that f-ing dick rider Tom Brady handled himself when he didn’t feel like his team was being “respected” by the media. Oh, sorry Tom, I guess the 15,000 times they show your lame Visa commercials aren’t enough. By the way, thanks for letting everyone know that you look at porn; we don’t think you’re trying to hide your homosexuality or anything. Manning has never complained about the perception that he can’t win big games, he just works harder to overcome it. It seems ludicrous that this has become his legacy once again. Break out those Dan Marino comparisons! How about the Peyton Manning that has lead his team to the playoffs 6 times in 7 years, is active in the United Way, and funds an academic scholarship at the University of Tennessee. He also helped built the student-athlete student life center, and returned to college for his senior year despite having graduated in 3 and ½ years.

He’ll get that ring some day. The good guy’s gotta win at least once.

If I ever make a million dollars, I’m putting a statue of Bill Simmons on my front lawn

Miles From Nowhere

When I first started writing for my school paper, I was that guy who wrote a random collection of musings and rants on various subjects. I had little direction, and I was only looking for an outlet to vent my thoughts. Then something amazing happened to me.

I was on espn.com late one night when I stumbled upon an article by a guy named Bill Simmons. Simmons wrote an NFL preview in which he uses quotes from “Caddyshack” to talk about the upcoming season. When I started reading it, a glorious chorus of angels began to sing in the background, my room began to glow in a holy sort of way, and I ended the article with this strange feeling that I had been touched by something special.

That and I had nearly crapped myself from laughter. I mean, the good kind of "nearly crapped", not the run to the bathroom, "I'm prairie-dogging it" kind.

I realized I had found my calling in life; I was to be a sports writer and write hilarious, witty, hip sports columns like Simmons that were biased and full of ridiculous opinions. Simmons writing connects with me on some un-natural, sub-gamma wave length that scares me. I’ve read literally everything he’s written for ESPN, and have modeled my writing style and sense of humor after his.

I would be considered a stalker in some circles, by the way.

What makes Simmons so great is the way he meshes pop-cultures with his sports writing. Kobe Bryant as Tony Montana from Scarface? Fucking brilliant. He is a movie fanatic who appreciates the brilliance of “Caddyshack”, “Old School”, and any work by Will Ferrell. He has a great sense of the absurdity of pro sports and of what makes sports great, like the Maloof Brothers. He appreciates a good mustache, Ron Artest, and great e-mails from his readers.

His wife is a really lucky girl, by the way............ Did I just say that out loud?

At some point in my life, I realized I wasn’t going to be a sports writer, probably because I don’t think I want a real job, and you make less money than truck drivers. I still credit Simmons with altering the direction of my life. If I could sit down and have a beer with Bill while watching a Celtics game, I'd probably die with my life fulfilled. I can only imagine the things he'd say about Brain Scalibrine's gut and disgusting contract. I would put Simmons in the top-5 of All-Time comedic geniuses, and I think someday he will be credited with creating a whole new style of sports writing.

If I named my kid after him, would that be creepy?

Gary Bettman Makes Tom Cruise Look Sane

Written by Miles Crowther

The winter of 2004-2005 could possibly end up being the low-tide mark of my life. Years from now, my wife could leave me for a Mexican, my dog could die, and I could have kidney failure, and it will not match the emotional ruin that haunted me through those eight months.

The sport I grew up loving with reckless abandon and passion was nowhere to be found. The league I cherished more than almost anything else suddenly decided to call off its season, because a bunch of grown men could not sit down and work out their differences to save a season.

I would like to think that you could take a bunch of Palestinians and Israelis, lock them in a room, and they could have worked out the CBA more efficiently than the NHL and the NHLPA.

Each day I read about how both sides refused to compromise on almost every issue, like a bunch of third graders arguing over who gets go down the slide first. To be honest, it was the fault of everyone who was involved, and I will not be happy until Gary Bettman is out of his job and selling fake dog shit at Spencers somewhere. He has spent the past decade molding the NHL into a mirror image of himself, a clownish joke.

He decided to expand the league exponentially, into hockey-starved markets like Miami, Nashville, and Atlanta. Sure, they sold tickets at first, because it was a novelty.

It would be like putting a SeaWorld in downtown Moscow.

Hockey is not football in the fact that it does not have the national appeal of the NFL. All expansion did was dilute the talent pool of the league, causing teams to play boring, defensive hockey.

Yes, my favorite team, the New Jersey Devils, was the main cause of this plodding brand of hockey, because it helped them win three Stanley Cups in eight years.

And yes, I am going to Hell for rooting for them.

Now, the league has no national TV contract, it is searching for its identity, and Bettman still has a job. The on-ice action is great, the new rule changes like shootouts after overtime are a big hit, and attendance seems to on the rise.

The league is still run by assclowns who have decided to tout Sidney Crosby as the Next Great One over the real future of the sport, Alex Ovechkin. The NHL could be something amazing, but it is currently relegated to being special to its fans. It needs to evaluate the way it markets itself, emphasize how great its athletes are, and stop the bickering amongst the player’s union and the front office.

It also needs a good, big market team to win the championship, like…..The Philadelphia Flyers. I will now go stick my hand in a Salad Shooter®.

I am a Yankee Fan

Written by Steve Alerhand

Don't talk to me.
Get out of my way.
Lower that chin, you b****.

Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan.

I'm loud, I'm arrogant, and I don't give two sh***s about you.
I'm spoiled, I'll beat you down if you I feel like it, and baseball season doesn't start until October.

Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan.

If you wear the pinstripes or sport the interlocking "NY", you can always come sit down, my friend. We'll go catch some fly balls in right field and pass them off as Jeter home runs. Later we can charge that little wimp Pedro.

Otherwise, I advise you to stay away from me. Trust me. Just ask Byun-Hung Kim. Ask Trevor Hoffman. Ask Mark Wohlers. Ask Mike Piazza. They'll tell you.

Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan.

Whenever you talk, I block you out. What you say means nothing to me. Blah blah blah. I swat you like a fly. All I have to do is say "26", and you know what that means.

Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan.

And if I'm in the mood and I don't like your stupid mug, I'll drop you like a hot plate. But first, give me a second. The rings on my fingers weigh me down, and besides, I wouldn't allow your bruised and battered face to even smell these diamond-studied babies.

Fine, you want a gang fight, you say. Don't get cocky, we'll still kick your a**. But you know what? I don't want to just smack you around, I want to pound you like a pancake ten feet into the ground. Who's your biggest guy, your biggest fighter? I'll buy him off, name the price. I've got the dough.

Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan.

I hope I've made myself clear. I'm not to be messed with. You know why.

Worthless crap, from your favorite writer Skip Jobless

The man… the myth… the massive tool of all massive tools himself, Skip Bayless, has got to go.

Not only is he the joke of ESPN page 2, on which several other writers actually do what is called "making a point, but he is also one of the few writers in the world that can noticeably whine through text. Let's recount some of Skip's "finer" moments… and then proceed to viciously rip them apart.

1.) Tour De France (Cold Pizza) "wahhh wahhh I can't respect anyone in a sport n which the leader wears a yellow jersey. That's definitely something the French would do."

As Woody Paige and whoever the random mediator lady followed up, "What the hell are you talking about, Skip?" I believe in some cultures and groups, something like what Bayless said can get your speaking privileges revoked, and I'd like to have a bill passed to do so A.S.A.P. Memo to Skip: You go ride a bike up a mountain for miles and miles without whining, and then get a little case of cancer and chemo, and we'll see what you think about how a yellow jersey can take respect away from Lance Armstrong.

2.) (Page 2) "So much for the In-Vince-ibles, USC will win in a big romp."

There really isn't much of a response to that, seeing as he may have been as wrong as is humanly possible on the subject. I bet he's a huge Texas and Vince Young fan now too. Would you pay for a PPV battle in which Vince Young and Lance Armstrong got to be locked in a room with Bayless and rip him apart? I would.

3.) "The T.O. saga was Donovan McNabb's fault" (Page 2)

Somebody please for the love of God put this man some place where he can't write or speak.

On the subject of the blood-sucking leech Owens (a whole other story in itself); poor old Skip proves his overall journalistic worthlessness time and time again. Anytime Owens is in the news and Skip decides to run his mouth, all that comes out is incoherent, 100% biased crap, which is essentially the opposite of journalism ethics. Opinions are one thing, nagging and whining like a little girl is another.

Skip, your job is to make sense, prove a point, and provide some sort of insight to your readers or viewers… in your case, however, they all just want to bash your face in.

I'll close with a comment from some guy named Gavin on an "I Hate Skip Bayless" message board I just came across. ""If ESPN replaced Skippy with a steaming pile of monkey sh!t that looked suspiciously like Satan, would anyone know the difference?" To answer your question Gavin, most likely nobody would notice that, or if they planted a weasel or rat in his seat on Cold Pizza.

However I can personally say I will gladly take your job someday Skip.

The Herman Edwards 2-Minute Drill

2:00 handoff to Curtis Martin (80 yards to go)
1:57 plan post-game sermon
1:53 "I should grow a Fu Manchu."
1:46 "We may suck, but at least I have Curtis Martin as my RB for many years."
1:41 pretend to give sideline speech to make people think I'm a good motivational speaker
1:36 "Hmmm, maybe we should call another play now."
1:25 "Yea, we should definitely call a play now. Oooh look, the fans are doing the wave!"
1:20 Chad Pennington throws 8 yards too short on a 10-yard out pattern
1:15 call Vinny Testaverde and wake him up
1:10 text message the boys over in Kansas City
1:03 "We PLAY to WIN the game (that was a beauty)."
:56 "Shouldn't we be hurrying up? We're down 3 points, and only run 2 plays in a minute."
:55 call timeout (I saw Parcells do it once)
:43 "Broadway Joe, slip me a Brewski will ya?"
:50 sign a football for Fireman Jim
:47 Pennington skids a screen pass, shakes his head
:44 put Vinny in the game
:40 ask the boys over in Kansas City about that Larry Johnson fellow
:36 "I should have been a reverend."
:34 "Shouldn't we be the East Rutherford Jets?"
:31 "Alright, let's run another play now."
:20 reverse to Anthony Becht
:18 "Damn, I thought that was gonna work."
:15 Vinny sacked
:10 "V-v-v-v-vinny and the Jets...hahahahah get it?"
:09 scribble last sentence of post-game sermon on Kevin Mawae's forehead
:08 "I am staying with the Jets next year. I won't coach another team."
:07 board plane for Kansas City