If I ever make a million dollars, I’m putting a statue of Bill Simmons on my front lawn

Miles From Nowhere

When I first started writing for my school paper, I was that guy who wrote a random collection of musings and rants on various subjects. I had little direction, and I was only looking for an outlet to vent my thoughts. Then something amazing happened to me.

I was on espn.com late one night when I stumbled upon an article by a guy named Bill Simmons. Simmons wrote an NFL preview in which he uses quotes from “Caddyshack” to talk about the upcoming season. When I started reading it, a glorious chorus of angels began to sing in the background, my room began to glow in a holy sort of way, and I ended the article with this strange feeling that I had been touched by something special.

That and I had nearly crapped myself from laughter. I mean, the good kind of "nearly crapped", not the run to the bathroom, "I'm prairie-dogging it" kind.

I realized I had found my calling in life; I was to be a sports writer and write hilarious, witty, hip sports columns like Simmons that were biased and full of ridiculous opinions. Simmons writing connects with me on some un-natural, sub-gamma wave length that scares me. I’ve read literally everything he’s written for ESPN, and have modeled my writing style and sense of humor after his.

I would be considered a stalker in some circles, by the way.

What makes Simmons so great is the way he meshes pop-cultures with his sports writing. Kobe Bryant as Tony Montana from Scarface? Fucking brilliant. He is a movie fanatic who appreciates the brilliance of “Caddyshack”, “Old School”, and any work by Will Ferrell. He has a great sense of the absurdity of pro sports and of what makes sports great, like the Maloof Brothers. He appreciates a good mustache, Ron Artest, and great e-mails from his readers.

His wife is a really lucky girl, by the way............ Did I just say that out loud?

At some point in my life, I realized I wasn’t going to be a sports writer, probably because I don’t think I want a real job, and you make less money than truck drivers. I still credit Simmons with altering the direction of my life. If I could sit down and have a beer with Bill while watching a Celtics game, I'd probably die with my life fulfilled. I can only imagine the things he'd say about Brain Scalibrine's gut and disgusting contract. I would put Simmons in the top-5 of All-Time comedic geniuses, and I think someday he will be credited with creating a whole new style of sports writing.

If I named my kid after him, would that be creepy?