Written by Jeff Kelly
In the greatest embarrassment since we fielded an Olympic basketball team, The United States Olympic hockey team tied Latvia 3-3 in the opening round of the Torino games on Wednesday.
Latvia.
Latvia is the size of West Virginia.
Latvia has a military budget the size of the New York Yankees infield.
Latvia.
Many will say it is time for the U.S. to wake up and totally reconsider the method we use to build a competitive Olympic roster. Some might say we simply picked the wrong players. A few might blame our incompetence on pronouncing 43-year-old Chris Chelios captain.
I say Nuke 'em.
That’s right, it is time to nuclear attack Latvia. It's a war torn continent anyway, what’s a few tactical nukes going to do? They should be thanking us for not going War of the Worlds on their ass and send Starr Jones over to devour the albino illiterates.
Throw them on the 'Axis of Evil'. And while we're at it, lets put Norway on the Axis of Evil. They are leading the Olympic medal standings, and it's not that I'm a sore loser, but I refuse to lose to a country that has never won a war. I'm sorry.
Latvia.
Fuck it. Someone call Star Jones, it's time to get medieval on these bastards.
Written by Jeff Kelly 